A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, “You cannot do this, I’m a congressman!” The thief replied, “In that case, give me MY money!”
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ”I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.” Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ”I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.” Doctor Ahn says, ”I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.”
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” “I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.” “Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”
A man was walking down the street and saw a sign in a store window that said “Help Wanted,” so the man ran in the store and yelled out, “What’s wrong?!”
“What do you want to be when you grow up?” “A doctor.” “And why’s that?” “Because it’s the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill.”
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.” As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked in to the office? I can clearly see “you’re” nuts….
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .”
Kid 1: “As if.”
Kid 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.”
Kid 1: “I don’t have a sister.”
Kid 2: “You will in about nine months.”
Girl: “Girls are better than boys.”
Boy: “Then why did God make boys first?”
Girl: “Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy.”
I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today. He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, “What the f*ck are you looking at?” I replied, “Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son.”
I’m not calling you a slut, I’m calling you a penny: two faced, worthless, and in everyone’s pants.
Girlfriend: “Am I pretty or ugly?”
Boyfriend: “You’re both.”
Girlfriend: “What do you mean?”
Boyfriend: “You’re pretty ugly.”
A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, “If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady.” He replies, “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”
A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”
You are so ugly, the last time you got a piece of ass was when your hand slipped through the toilet paper.
A husband says to his wife, “You know, our son got his brain from me.” The wife replies, “I think he did. I still got mine with me!”
A man asks a woman, “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?” The woman responds, “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”
You know you’re getting fat when you say you’re fat in front of your friends and nobody corrects you.
Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c*ck sucker again!?
Bob: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
Joe: “To get to the idiot’s house.”
Bob: “Knock knock.”
Joe: “Who’s there?”
Bob: “The chicken.”
A man siting at a bar asked a pretty woman sitting next to him, Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?” “Get away from me, you pervert,” she replied. “Oh, I’m sorry,” exclaims the man, “It must be your feet.”
A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, “Are you a nurse?” The woman answers, “Yes. How did you know?” The man replies, “Because you took care of me so well.” Then the woman asks the man, “Are you an anesthesiologist?” He says proudly, “Yes. How do you know?” The woman answers, “Because I didn’t feel a thing.”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.
Today, I want to relax,
so I have brought three movie tickets.
Husband: why three tickets?
Wife: you and your parents. 😀
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.” Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn’t.
Officer: Yes, you were. I’m giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn’t speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can’t give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you’re a jerk!
Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all the professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”?
Then the principal replied
“I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”.