A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”
Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
What do a pizza boy and a gyneocologist have in common?
They both smell it but they can’t eat it.
What do pimps and farmers have in common?
They both need a hoe to stay in business.
How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.
Why are women like KFC?
After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A PDF File.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
I added Paul walker on Xbox…
But he spends all his time on the dashboard.
How did the leper hockey game end?
There was a face off in the corner.
I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay.
She said she didn’t have time.
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.
Say what you want about pedophiles…
But at least they drive slow through the school zones.
What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?
Because he can’t do stand up.
Real men don’t wear pink…
They eat it.
How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?
You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
one line fucked up jokes
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong …
I was masturbating today and my hand fell asleep – that’s got to be the ultimate rejection.
Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you’d be a Gorgeousaurus
If a man talks dirty to a woman, that’s sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that’ll be $6.50 a minute.
My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.
Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 33, looking for some action!” I’ve sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy.
Did you hear about the depressed plumber? He’s been going through some shit.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”? About three inches.
I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I’d like a bag. I said “nah, I’ll just turn the lights off.”
I just had a near-sex experience… My wife flashed before my eyes.
What’s the definition of a surprise? A fart with a lump in it.
Two ADV riders camping out in a tent. One of them crawls out to pee before bed. Comes back all wet. The other rider asks if it’s rainy outside. “No – it’s windy!”
Owls always look like they just saw a penis for the first time.
I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
What’s a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.
What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
The only reason the term ‘Ladies first’ was invented was for the guy to check out the woman’s ass.
Why men’s voice is louder than women? Men have an antenna.
Weddings are an expensive way to let your entire family know you are fucking that night.
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said “I shaved my pussy, you know what that means? I said “yeah, the drain is clogged again. “
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay. She said she didn’t have time.
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket.
I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.