jokes in english

english-jokes
jokes in english

jokes in english 

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  • I would like to use

    Mr. Smith: “Doctor, you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?”

    Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”

    Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”

  • Me and my wife

    Me and my wife decided that we don’t want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

  • He keeps holding her hand

    A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

    The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”

  • You know how it is in life

    You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”

    “Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”

  • Harry prays to God

    Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.

    The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord!

    The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery!

    Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.

  • such a passionate kisser

    Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser…

    What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!

  • My wife suffers

    “My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”

    “Oh is she an alcoholic?”

    “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

  • Sleep with an open window

    Sleep with an open window tonight!

    1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this.

    One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event.

  • a great new drug

    Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

    Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

    Doctor: “Every two hours.”

  • I sinned with an 18 year old girl

    Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

    The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

    Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

    Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

  • How was school today

    Mother: “How was school today, Patrick?”

    Patrick: “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

    Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

    Patrick: “What school?”

  • dog used to chase people

    My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away

  • a farmer near a field

    A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

    The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

  • a terminal illness

    Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”

    Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”

    Doctor: “Nine.”

  • kangaroo jump higher

    Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

    Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

  • compromise with your wife
    Man: How did you compromise with your wife?
    Husband: She came to me on her feet.
    Man: and what she said?
    Husband: i was down to bad and she said come out, i will not say you anything…

     

  • Come in my heart
    A boy said to a girl:-“Come in my heart and stay here forever”.
    Girl replied:-“Should i remove my sleepers???”
    boy,”No honey, its not a temple , come without removing!!!!!”

     

  • Why are taking two tickets

    Bus conductor: Why are taking two tickets?
    Passenger: Because if i lose one that second ticket will save me.
    Conductor: what if you lose both?
    Passenger: Listen, I am not a fool. I already have my Pass with me.!!!

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