jokes in english

jokes in english

jokes in english 

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  • honey look really different

    Husband: Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do something to your hair?

    Wife: Michael, I’m over here!

  • wife starts to sing

    When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there’s no domestic violence going on.

  • Two police officers

    Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

  • invented dancing

    Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”

    Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”

  • husband came home an hour late

    Q: What did the cannibal’s wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner?

    A: She gave him the cold shoulder.

  • Santa goes into a bar

    Santa goes into a bar in New York.

    The man on his right orders a drink, ‘Johnnie Walker, single.’

    The man on his left says, ‘Jack Daniels, single.’

    Santa says. ‘Santa Singh, married.’

  • mirror that killed anyone

    Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied…
    French : I think I dont smoke (died).
    American : I think I love my wife (died).
    Santa: I think.. (died)

  • Santa and Banta are walking

    Santa and Banta are walking on a road, and they find a 1000 rupee note lying down.
    Santa – What should we do now?
    Banta- We’ll take 50:50.
    Santa- What about the remaining 900?

  • go for movie

    Santa: Let’s go for movie.
    Banta: Shit, I’ve got a doctor’s appointment today..
    Santa: Just cancel it,Tell him you’re sick

  • Santa reading newspaper

    Santa reading newspaper..
    News: “Indian athlete lost gold medal in long jump”
    Santa comments: Idiot !! Who told him to wear gold medal while jumping!!!

  • a bit of tomato sauce

    A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. “Och, I look like a pig!”

    The man nods, “And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!”

  • selling my talking parrot

    I’m selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me.

  • What do politicians and diapers

    Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common?

    A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

  • funny and beautiful

    “You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”

    “Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”

    “And smart, too!”

  • I refuse to eat this roastbeef

    Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “

    Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

  • making Russian tea

    I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately I cannot fish the teabag out of the vodka bottle.

  • Your driver’s license please

    A police officer stops a car.

    Officer: “Your driver’s license please.”

    Driver: “I’m really sorry, I forgot.”

    Officer: “At home?”

    Driver: “No, to do it.”

  • Cool accent

    I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

    So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

    One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

    So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

    That’s about as far as I remember.

  • I get this intense

    Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.

    Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

  • I’m just so nervous

    Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

    Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

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