jokes in english
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- honey look really different
Husband: Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do something to your hair?
Wife: Michael, I’m over here!
- wife starts to sing
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there’s no domestic violence going on.
- Two police officers
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”
- invented dancing
Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”
Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”
- husband came home an hour late
Q: What did the cannibal’s wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner?
A: She gave him the cold shoulder.
- Santa goes into a bar
Santa goes into a bar in New York.
The man on his right orders a drink, ‘Johnnie Walker, single.’
The man on his left says, ‘Jack Daniels, single.’
Santa says. ‘Santa Singh, married.’
- mirror that killed anyone
Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied…
French : I think I dont smoke (died).
American : I think I love my wife (died).
Santa: I think.. (died)
- Santa and Banta are walking
Santa and Banta are walking on a road, and they find a 1000 rupee note lying down.
Santa – What should we do now?
Banta- We’ll take 50:50.
Santa- What about the remaining 900?
- go for movie
Santa: Let’s go for movie.
Banta: Shit, I’ve got a doctor’s appointment today..
Santa: Just cancel it,Tell him you’re sick
- Santa reading newspaper
Santa reading newspaper..
News: “Indian athlete lost gold medal in long jump”
Santa comments: Idiot !! Who told him to wear gold medal while jumping!!!
- a bit of tomato sauce
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. “Och, I look like a pig!”
The man nods, “And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!”
- selling my talking parrot
I’m selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me.
- What do politicians and diapers
Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common?
A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.
- funny and beautiful
“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”
“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”
“And smart, too!”
- I refuse to eat this roastbeef
Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “
Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”
- making Russian tea
I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately I cannot fish the teabag out of the vodka bottle.
- Your driver’s license please
A police officer stops a car.
Officer: “Your driver’s license please.”
Driver: “I’m really sorry, I forgot.”
Officer: “At home?”
Driver: “No, to do it.”
- Cool accent
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember.
- I get this intense
Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.
Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.
- I’m just so nervous
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.