What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
How do fish get high?
What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?
Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.
What kind of dogs love car racing?
What did Winnie the Pooh say to his agent?
“Show me the honey!”
What do you call birds who stick together? Vel-crows.
Today I gave my dead batteries away.
They were free of charge.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
What did the big firecracker say to the little firecracker?
My pop is bigger than yours.
What did the big chimney say to the small chimney?
You are too little to smoke.
hilarious – dumb jokes
What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?
Why did the teacher jump into the lake?
Because she wanted to test the waters!
Why did the belt go to jail?
Because it held up a pair of pants!
People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”
I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
What do bees do if they need a ride?
Wait at the buzz stop!
What do you give to a sick lemon?
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos?
funny dumb jokes
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing!
Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Where did the computer go dancing?
I just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
When’s the best time to go to the dentist?
What do you call a cow with two legs?
best – dumb jokes
Do you remember that joke I told you about my spine?
It was about a weak back!
What do you call a dangerous sun shower?
A rain of terror!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’ve bagels!
What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes?
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What streets to ghosts haunt?
What do you tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast!
Why don’t teddy bears ever order dessert.
Because they’re always stuffed.
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
It gets toad away.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
Everything’s fine. He woke up.
A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand. As the
doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?”
“Yeah, a pack and a half a day,” said the patient.
Concerned, the doctor told him, “You should consider quitting.”
“No, it’s OK,” said the patient. “I smoke with my left hand.”
On our commute to work, my husband stopped at a convenience store for coffee. As he got back into the car, I noticed something odd.
“Turn your head and look at me,” I said. “You have a Q-tip sticking out of your ear.”
As he pulled it out, he replied, “No wonder the guy in there asked me if I was getting good reception.”
Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it?
Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?
Luckily I’m in the other 5%.