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Cool accent

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember. 00
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I would like to use

Mr. Smith: “Doctor, you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?” Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?” Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!” 00
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He keeps holding her hand

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!” 00
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Harry prays to God

Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery. The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord! The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery! Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket. 00
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a great new drug

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.” Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.” 00
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I sinned with an 18 year old girl

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.” The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.” Man: “And that frees me from my sin?” Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.” 00
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How was school today

Mother: “How was school today, Patrick?” Patrick: “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!” Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?” Patrick: “What school?” 00
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a farmer near a field

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.” 00
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