bad jokes :- here we provide bad jokes, funny bad jokes, adult bad jokes, best bad jokes etc so keep enjoy keep sharing.
Last night I dreamed that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me.
How do you make anti-freeze?
Take away her blanket.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweet-ment. If you have swine fly, you need oink-ment.
What do you call a crab that plays baseball?
A pinch hitter.
What’s a dentist’s favorite musical instrument?
A tuba toothpaste.
What do you call a horse who likes arts and crafts?
A hobby horse.
Why don’t dinosaurs talk?
Because they’re dead.
Why do they put fences around graveyards?
Because people are dying to get in.
Why do ghosts love elevators?
Because they lift their spirits.
funny bad jokes
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”
The other day I was having sex with this married woman when her husband came home early.
She told me I’d have to use the back door and said I’d have to be quick.
On reflection I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that.
I just had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day, only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”
The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find any cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead.”
The owner shouted, “You fool! What were you thinking? You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The staff member said, “Of course I can. Look at him, he’s not coughed once since I gave it to him – he’s too scared!”
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My wife called me and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I was a little concerned as I answered, “No.”
She said, “How about now?”
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
Why don’t foot fetishists ever win anything?
Because they like the taste of defeat.
I’ve just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman.
It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging.
It took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday and my wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday in the morning before I went to work. My parents forgot too and so did my kids. I got into work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. I was really sad because everyone had forgotten my birthday!
But then as I walked into my office, my secretary smiled and said to me, “Happy birthday, boss!”
Because everyone else had forgotten, I felt so special so when my secretary asked me if I wanted to go for lunch with her I jumped at the chance.
After we’d eaten lunch, she invited me back to her apartment and again I jumped at the chance. When we got there, she asked, “Do you mind if I just go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“No problem, I’ll just wait here,” I said.
Five minutes later my secretary came back out of the bedroom with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!”…
While I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
A family is having dinner at the table one evening when the son asks the father, “Dad, how many different kinds of breasts are there?”
The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering, “Well my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears – still nice but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions.”
The son is confused and asks, “Onions?”
The father replies, “Yes – you see them and they make you cry.”
The wife and daughter are really annoyed by what their father has said, so the daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch – flexible but reliable. But after 50, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
The daughter laughs and asks, “A Christmas tree?”
The mother replies, “Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.
After much arguing to and fro, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have.”
The little girl is annoyed and upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her Mom, crying.
A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, “My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
A redneck finds out one day that his girlfriend is still a virgin.
When he finds out, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without saying a word.
Later, he’s at the bar with his buddies and they ask him what went wrong.
He explains, “If she ain’t good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain’t good enough for me!”
A Mom finds some BDSM magazines beneath her son’s bed.
She calls her husband up to the room, shows him, and asks, “What do you think we should do?”
The Dad frowns and says, “Well, I suppose spanking him is out of the question.”