jokes in english


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  • Mr. Smith: “Doctor, you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?”

    Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”

    Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”

  • Me and my wife decided that we don’t want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

  • A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

    The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”

  • You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”

    “Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”

  • Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.

    The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord!

    The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery!

    Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.

  • Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser…

    What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!

  • “My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”

    “Oh is she an alcoholic?”

    “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

  • Sleep with an open window tonight!

    1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this.

    One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event.

  • Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

    Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

    Doctor: “Every two hours.”

  • Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

    The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

    Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

    Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

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